06042012

today and yesterday i had been running from work to town and also from town to work... i went for interview while my boss was away for her trip to dubai.... i wanted to find a better job and also for my better future... mami, ur daughter me really stupid... stupid in a sense of love... i not dare to tell daddy and tommy tat i am being hurt deeply by tommy parents word... what they say to me and also about me really hurt me deep... i dunno whether tommy really dun understand or he just wan to hide it... but i really hope that he could show out his concern towards me... what his dad say to me cause me does not worth a value at all... mami, yuan lai ur daughter me is a very cheap girl stepping into his house... now only i knew i am really stupid and crazy d because i love him but at last what i get is humiliation from his family... i thought his family was a very nice family but i never thought that things would happened other wise... there is several times i wanna give up tis relationship and let go all the burden i have nw... i felt like lying everyday and i lost my direction of life... i dunno y i love tis guy so much but at the same time when his family treat me "good" i would think of how chiang treat me... wha renee say about me is correct just that i have no bravery to face it and i also dun even know how to face it... i just wan someone who is willing to take care of me without feedback but tommy everything also wan fair... tis is the thing that make me exhausted...i wanted to save up money for my future but i get mocking from his family who dun understand me... my salary with my tuition salary cannot even support my expenses nw... they always say me stingy does not want to spend money on this and that but they never really and truly understand why i cant spend on those things even my health... i cannot even spend a cent on my health not i dun want to take care of my health... if tommy really understand my condition and also my feeling he would stand by me but he never understand it... everytime i try to say it to him he would say that i think too much.... den when only i am not thinking too much... although tommy salary already increase but it is no use cause his expenses increase (family income)... i really dunno how to advise him d... i know i am very stupid but i really wanna be with tommy.... however he keep spending his income on his family den how about me... i feel pain when i owe u money, i feel pain when i c hw ur family treat u however who is there to care my feeling... i wan so much u to accompany me and be alone with you but that is also very hard.... everytime we wanna be together, there will be a talk and saying on all those bad words... every words ur family say on me hits the point in my heart.... next month ur niece will be one year old d and u r thinking on what to give and that even cost u a lot... my heart more pain when i heard it... u could spend a lot on ur niece but when u spend on me u would say to me that u have no money and wan me to tolerate.... how am i going to tolerate.... i can only be in silence.... i dare not to say anything d because i know if i say on further we will end up in argument.... tommy if one day i really left u, will u chase me back or u will let me go... if really got tis day, i will be waiting for u to grab me back but if u dont then i will really left u for forever... i wanted to find someone who can take care of me and care my feeling first before anything happen but from the first day we start everything also i am the one who start it.... u never tried to do anything for me... whenever u ask me something, i will answer i dunno... cause i wan u to decide and do everything for me rather than i decide everything.... tommy, u know what, i start smoking again also because of you... did you realise that... i am having a lot of tension and stress... have you ever noticed that... u think that i smoke for fun is it???i hate smoking the most but now i start to smoke again...... u never ever thought about that.... i even stupid till i wanna make a grand birthday surprise for you... i save every cent of mine... i cut cost from my daily expenses just to make sure i will have enough money to make a birthday surprise for you but at last i get humiliation and mocking from your famiy... i dun wan to spoil ur family relationship so i keep all inside... but today i really cannot tolerate d... my eyes keep on dropping tears ever since i started writing my blog nw....  tommy, u make me miss my mum... when my dad ask whether r u the one, i dunno how to answer him... he wanna us to register because he wan u to give me a name but i could not tell u... y tommy... y am i feeling all this thing when i be with you.... i work day and night for our future but u never appreciate me..i need to care my family and now even u... i am exhaused.......... can i let go of you ma.... i cannot bear a words from your family d......... it hurts and pains.......... i really hurt and pains.... but i even pain cause i love you...........