together but now, we can't do that anymore. we had been separated by a line of life and death. mummy made the decision because she saw and felt that she was burden for us. she chose to let go and also asked us to let go. it's a very hard decision to be made as i knew i would totally lost her if i made my decision. however saw her in a terrible condition and been through in an unbearable pain and cant even voiced out, i told her to let go and don't fought with the pain anymore. mummy told me to appreciate my life and the people beside me. my life was not that bad actually. at least i be with mum for 20 years while stephanie only 3 years. i promise mummy to take care of stephanie but i don't think that i keep my promise. dad chased me out and till now i still angry with him. there's time i wanna back and argue with him but at last i still pull myself back. no matter what wrong he make he is still my dad and this cannot change. now he ben with other girl and neglected our family. i wondered for a quite a time on why makes promises if you could not keep it? i have a lot of things wanna share with mum.
14 Dec 2011
i start out on how i miss u mummy.
mum,
am i wrong to love someone whole heartly? am i wrong preparing a breakfast for someone i cared? am i wrong to take care of someone health? today as usual, i made half boiled egg for him. i already try to wake him early but he just can't get off the bed. i make the egg for him at the same time like i used to do. however today, the first word came from his mouth is scolding. my heart felt sore. i woke up early to prepare him a meal but i get a scolding from him instead of thank you. i never make breakfast for anyone. he is the first guy i make for him. the first guy who could taste my cooks. but why must he be mean towards me? is it because we had been staying together makes all the things he used to do for me last time, no need to do it in the future? is it means, we stay together, you can cool or hot to me whenever you wanted to? i am also a human being and i am just a girlfriend not yet his wife but why? mummy, is it last time daddy also did the same thing to you? am i love and care for the wrong person? his family words toward me sometimes really hurting me deeply but did he really care? just a word i don't know how to care a person does it mean that he no need to learn on how to care a person's feeling especially the one that he grab her hand and promise her to take care of her? i always get insult but why he never try to console when i get insulting from others? why i always care his feeling first instead? i felt tired but can i say it out? if he really care about me, my tears won't be drowning my eyes and rolling down the stream in my face. why must i be the one say sorry to everyone eventhough it wasn't my wrong? mummy, can't daddy just admit once he wrong towards me? i don't want to hate him. I want to go back but who knows the reason i don't want to go back. who knows how much i hate him and how much i hate myself born into this world? there's been some time where i really thought of "finding" you. he had been pushed me to the dead end. i don't tommy to be like daddy. i just want a guy who cares my feeling above all. but y he can't do it? have daddy ever though that i am his daughter.
mummy,
i feel like dying. i really wanna stop living my life like this. i really wanna come to find you and be with you. it's really hard to live on without you. i had been trying very hard. i don't want to go on like this. irene lately become very wild. i know it's my wrong didn't take a good care of her. I am sorry mum. why must we live in sorrow? why must i felt like die is the best solution for all? mummy can i come to find you? can i accompany you? i don't feel like living anymore. daddy been cruel to me so do him. i wanna die. he will never say sorry to me as well. just like today. mum, when only we can be together back? if this thing keeps going on, don't blame me mum as i will come to find you soon.
Love you the most, CATHLYN
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