tomorrow is mother's day... seriously no one is going to understand me... it is up to me to understand the real me inside me....
i am glad to have a guy who bring me up in my loneliness... i am glad to still have my family although missing one deeply....
i know nothing could change the fact no matter how i wish it could...
Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am holding the responsible of a mum, a sister, a daughter and a wife... frankly, i found this task is really tiring. no one there to be with you and understand you... you need to be strong by your own and done everything by your own... i holding up to 4 responsible....
tis responsible is really hard and really big... i dunno how to manage it and also how to do it right... i am feeling lost...
I promised mum to take care of Terence, Irene and Stephanie but I dun think that I fullfill the promise. If I really fulfill then why Irene be a mum at the young age??? WHY she chose of other getting away from that house??? I had been thinking am I the one who cause her to have the brave to be away from that house. In fact, I am blaming myself deeply and i still cant forget myself till now. If I had really take care of her since small, she wont be like this. Among four of us, she is the unluckiest one and also the one who need the care the most. Mum knew that at the beginning. That y before she left she want me to grab hold of Irene and no matter what she had done, we must forgive her... I am blaming myself on why I didn't take a god care of her... WHat is the use of my crying tears now... she didn't had a good taking care at her new house thr and how i wish i could provide the best care. I was very angry when i heard on how her husband treat her... i cnt blame her now... i can blame myself for i never really care about her... tat y till now i haven't pass the letter to her.... i dare not to ask for her forgiveness... This is my first failure as a sister...
Terence is now working smoothly but funny thing is he will broke every month... actually i knew that he felt loneliness inside him and his feeling very sad on why his house and family become in a mess.
Now THERE only left papa and him... A house which consist of 5 to 6 people in the old time now only left 2... A house which store memories of happiness and sadness, laughter and crying now only left loneliness inside it... Now everytime I step back into the house, my heart feels ache and heavy...
It's not that I dun wan to go back is just I could not face the blackness of the memoir and griefy in the house. The feeling i have now is same as the feeling Terence having now. No one loves to stay and lives with only the 4 falls surround you and what you could only is the echo of your sound and hmm... I dunno how to face Terence as well now....
As for Stephanie, my respinsible is not only as sister but also I am holding the responsible as a mum to take care of her... the growth of Irene make me scare.... I promise mami to take a good care of Stephanie when she is gone however I dun think that I make it... When I promise, I never thought that this task is very difficult... I had a hard time in beholding up this responsible.... this is not a small matter... I dunno how to teach her and i dun even know how to take care of her... I am started to feel exhauted... and i dunno whom should i seek the help from... it is all my fault on how she behave nows..... honestly i am scared..... i dunno how to uphold tis task... i wanna avoid... but the more i avoid, the more it appear in front of me... i know i cant run from it... tat y i choose to face it... now only i realise that it is not as easy as I think... she is the most unfortunate as mummy leaves her during her young age.... take care of her seems easy but it is a very tiring job... actually everytime when she gets scold by other, i do feel hurt although i knew that it is for her own good... when people say she bad, i dunno what i can do... i am such a failure as a sister and also a mum....
When i choose to take care of her, i started to neglect my husband without my realise...
i dunno how to separate out my task......... whom can i seek... nobody except myself.... living with my husband but living with his family is really hard as they never respect me... whatever i do will always wrong and they never cared about my feeling...anyhow i am also understand that i am just a outsider in his family.... they only cared about themselves and what they... they never cared about me and what I want.... no privacy in my own room... i cannot hang my cloth where ever i like... what ever i do also wrong..... if i say to my hubby, i am sure that he cant do anythng..... but because of he cant do anything makes me hurt the most because he never try to pursue me that he will protect me.........
i never done anything right...............................
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