spoken word to mum

hi mummy,

it's seem like i haven't talk to you in ages... i have a lot of things wanna talk to you and say to you but everytime when i wanna start to say it out, i just can't say it out to you... i can be say that i am doing fine but nobody would understand me like you do.... i am very tired actually... facing a lot of treasure and also problem which can't be solve... i had to try my best to solve every problem that i faced but it seems like whatever i did is also wrong... i had ruined our family with my own hands.... i hates myself very much for i can't take a good care of our family well as i promise you... i had been trying my hard to earn more money to take a good care of myself and also hoping that beside giving out all my effort to "HIM" i also hope i could take care of daddy with my own effort...

mummy,

i felt regret mum... i regret of letting him entering my world... the more we gets together the more i found that he didn't undertsand me and only want me to follow what he had been doing with his daily routine... the more we been together the more ii understand that i can't be whom i am anymore... i am getting tired of pleasing people around me... eventually i dun even know how to face his mum... living in daddy house, i felt tired and disappointed with daddy attitude.... living with "HIS" family, i dun know how o face his mum... when her moods good, she treat me nice but when her moodds down, i felt like i am more to an outsider instead of her daughter-in-law... i was working very hard earning money from morning till night and when it ups to night i need to think and figure out what will her attitude towards me will be for that night or days??? seeing how she treat her "god-daughter"  actualy quite made me feeling jealous as for these 3 years, no matter how nice i treat her even treat her as mum, i actually truly feel it inside me that i never such treat as a daughter or being accept in this family at all... i dun wanna to meet you and say all this things to you.... i try to say to soem friends but it is useless... my heart still ache and i can't get rid of that pain...i felt so ard to communicate with her....although i told "him" everything including this, he never listen to my words  and also try to solve... i had to figure out on how to solve this problem and faced it alone... i love him but does really love a person need to be this hard until i out of breathe????

mum,

i also fail as a sister... i had ruined irene and terence life... i didn't take a good are of them and cause them in this situation and also makes daddy loose  all his face in front of all his friends... i felt lie i am so useless as a daughter and a sister... daddy still cant control his spen ding habit on alcohol and gambling... i am trying my very best teaching stephanie now...i felt so useless... i cant do anything to stop them and turn our family back on... sometime i really felt like saying all this to daddy but i cant say it out as this road i chose it with my own hand... i chose my destiny so no matter how hard it was i still need to go through it.... i know there's no turning point for me d and i also dun wan to give up half way...i felt pressure and tension surround me now.... i really do feeling tired....

how am i going to breath and have a nice feeling of air??????